An Ol' Fashion Complaint Letter

I worked in customer service for awhile and learned the power of an old fashion handwritten(emailed) complaint letter. People will scream in your face about how they believe they have been wronged, but rarely do they take the time to write out a calm complaint letter. But the women in my family, we sure do. I will save the many stories of countless emails my cousin, http://missionmadre.blogspot.com/, has sent out for another time, because together we are the original cheap ass bitches.

After one particularly hairy plane flight I wrote the following email:

"I am very disappointed in AA during my flight yesterday! There was no entertainment system available as it went out of service during the cross country flight. To me this is unacceptable as it really is a huge portion of making the flight more comfortable for me and others. If the video player is not serviced, what does this mean for the service on the plane itself? I might let this slide, however it is my THIRD AA flight this YEAR that has not had a working entertainment system. First time I had to hold my ear phones in the jack the whole flight to make the sound work. Second time, the volume would not turn from the highest level, and to compensate I wrapped my earphones in my pillow, I'm crafty and NEED entertainment! This time there was no option like that, it was just NO ENTERTAINMENT! Believe me I would switch airlines in one second if it wasn't for all the frequent flier miles I use. I understand you are an older airline and cant service your planes to offer the entertainment that Virgin America and Jet Blue have, so the least you could do is make sure your system and head phone jacks work on your plane.

Again I am VERY disappointed with the service I have experienced. I would like to hear from you as to how you feel you can better this situation and take the bad taste out of my mouth from AA. I would like to continue to use AA, but right now I would rather pay another airline to at least know I am getting average service."

Within one day I received a very polite email response that not only apologized (a sorry goes a long way missy!) but included an eVoucher worth $200! There you have it, write a complaint letter....but not to me cause I'm not giving you shit.

Hoarders & (me)?

I recently came across a new show on A&E called Hoarders. The definition of a hoarder, "someone with a supply or accumulation that is hidden or carefully guarded for preservation, future use, etc" or someone with a lot of shit that they wont throw away or they will freak out.



Watching one episode has made me begin to think I might be in the early stages of hoarding...believe me I'm not there yet, but when I'm 70....What do you think, are there stages of hoarding or is it all or nothing?

one of several hoarded drawers in my room

Instead of wrapping my brain around the idea I might (one day) be a hoarder, I am convincing myself that it's due to living in a small bedroom and being a cheap ass bitch who doesn't throw anything away (or else terrible things might happen)....

My not-so-(FREE) Haircut

A few years back I worked at a restaurant in the West Village, all sorts of characters came in. One night this very drunk and boisterously gay older gentlemen tells me my hair looks like shit and I acknowledge that he is correct and as he drinks more and as I have to walk him to a cab, he informs me he is one of the top stylist in the city and he wants to cut my hair, for free tomorrow at his HOUSE! Appeasing a drunkard I take him number and go back to work.

The next morning I'm curious and need a haircut, I'll try anything once. He tells me to head over to his house. Safety first, I call the salon he works at to make sure he's legit, give the address to my roommates so they know what to tell the police if I never return, and head out the door.

The second I walk into that place I am overwhelmed by the smell (dog pee) and the amount of framed photos of this man with Elizabeth Taylor, Dame Judi Dench, Bebe Neuworth...turns out this man was the Belle of the Gay ball for years, Mrs. Drag Queen 1965-75, Mrs. Stonewall himself, now the fallen and loneliest man in the city. All his best friends died, abandoned or cheated on him and left him with nothing but sour memories and lots of dog piss.

After a quick tour of the small over crowded apartment he takes me to the back room, sits me in a chair in front of a painting of Abe Lincoln getting a lap dance from Marilyn Monroe and before anything is said, he starts chopping. Can't do anything now but wait for the outcome. He suddenly starts folding foil into my hair, "You can tell everyone your hair got sunkissed in the Hamptons, just say, "Silly me, I forgot my hat when I went boating this past weekend." He pulls his hand up to his face in a bashful giggle, I nod, I think he might be crazy.

The foil sitting in my hair, the dye setting, he looks at me and smiles. He pulls me to a giant closet and flings the doors open, at first I think I'm looking at the remains of hundreds of dead muppets, but as my eyes adjust to the sparkling lights shimmering off the glitter, I realize it's 20 years of drag staring me in the face. "I haven't been able to wear these in years, what size are you?" Before I know it this man has me in glittering feathered drag queen hell, modeling his dresses so he can reminisce every moment in his past life. Ding, my hair is done, thank god!

After a quick blow dry my hair is AMAZING! Hands down one of the best haircuts and colors I have ever gotten, thank god, cause it really could have gone both ways. Before I can finish looking in the mirror he has whisked me away to the living room sat me on the couch and begun to sing me opera. 45 minuets later he is still singing me opera and I am still giving him standing ovations and bravos, this is painful, really really painful. A little while later he looks at his watch and realizes how late it has gotten, "Look at the Time!" No shit, I've been looking for the last hour I am thinking, but instead I give him a kiss on both cheeks and swiftly exit the house.

I'm smiling at all the craziness that just happened to me, and the beautiful haircut I just received and though I might not have paid money to that man, I surely paid for that haircut.

crazy man's haircut from a few years back

Haircuts for the Cheap Ass

I love haircuts, putting all my trust into some stranger's hands. I recently told my friend Gardner (who is in hair school) that I had never received a bad haircut, he responded with, "That means you have, you're just not that picky." Thats the key to being a cheap ass bitch, you can't be too picky.

The bottom line, we all need haircuts and they can be expensive...if you don't know how to get them for free that is.... the cheap ass answer, Hair School!

Some good options:

Bumble & Bumble on 13th street, the one you see advertised in Time Out. Unfortunately you have to wait weeks/months to get an appointment there, and the people who are cutting hair are in a one week Bumble crash course, not the best haircut and AWKWARD conversations.

Bumble & Bumble up on 57th. These stylist constantly post on Craigslist, look under free and look up haircut and someone from that school will be looking for a model. These are full time Bumble students working their way to a place on the floor of the salon. Must be noted that they usually want a specific haircut, so you can't be picky!

Arojo Studios, yeah that guy from What Not to Wear, well I came across this hair cut sitting in a park one day. A stylist asked to cut my hair and $20 later I had a very professional new look. This one isn't free but for $20 haircuts and $30 coloring the price is still cheap.

There are many other hair school options and depending on what city you are in the selection varies. But check out you local Craigslist and don't be nervous to try something new!

What I Am(Not)

I am a cheap ass bitch....and I mean that in the most sincere and charming way. If being a cheap ass bitch or a thrifty motha fucka or any other comparable term may offend you, then turn away now, as I am all of the above with the mouth of a sailor, thanks Dad, and a sarcastic bite, and yes, I have a keen knack to save, and not like Jesus.

I don't have more than a few hundred dollars in my bank account at any given time, and have never had "savings" as I think my married friends call it. I don't believe one should be frugal, cause no one makes friends by throwing in less than required in a dinner bill, but you better believe, if I have a 2 for 1 coupon to Jamba, I will be going everyday two times a day to get my Jamba's worth (this is a true story). This is me, the cheap ass bitch...not to be confused with the coupon mom....I know how to cut the corners, pinch your dollar and know if I'm not getting free shipping or at least 10% off my online order, I'm not looking hard enough for the deal.

The other day Simpsons Season 12 came out on DVD, so immediately I'm online trying to figure out the quickest cheapest way I can have it in my possession, neatly and colorfully displayed next to the others on my shelf. Amazon is always the place to start, and usually the cheapest, and with super saver shipping you really can't go wrong, $31.00 +tax and free shipping....I decide to look at Best Buy too, always got to compare the prices, don't just settle, and looky there, $28 +tax and I know I can pick it up during my lunch break at work the next day and be watching by bed time. The next day at Best Buy the DVD is labeled as $39, maybe some other fool would go for this, but I'm a bitch (again this is like beeetch and not like super bitch girl from high school who everyone hated) and go right up to the sales rep and ask him about the price, he scans it and again $39....Now I'm always nice to the customer service people (if you ever worked customer service I think you know why) and inform him that the DVD is on sale online for $28 and he looks it up online and sure enough he sells me my DVD for that price. Some jerk might not know better, but a cheap ass bitch always knows to get the deal.

I am here to make all you into the best cheap ass bitch no money can buy, one coupon/ online code/ thrift store/ sale rack at a time. WELCOME BITCHES!

xo