Saturday, December 26, 2009

Happy Bloomin Christmas

Raymond Briggs' "Father Christmas" was always by far my favorite Christmas book...pshhh to the Polar Express...I love the grump town Santa! Shows the kids the real work Santa does for us...




Merry Christmas everyone, especially the Jews!

xo

Sunday, December 20, 2009

On a Bacon Kick or Kick Me out of Bed Bacon

Santa please get your hands on this prototype for me. Thanks, love you!


If you can't tell...thats a pig shaped alarm clock that wakes you up to a freshly cooked piece of bacon. Yum. More info on the WakeNbacon.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Its a Bacon Kind of Day (well yesterday really)

Yesterday my roommate got a bacon tuxedo* for Christmas.


*actually a joke box, but I would have loved to see him in a suit made of meat

I also had a very lengthy discussion about Baconnaise...not brought up by me might I add. I have yet to try this stuff, but I might skip it after reading Bacon is My Lover's account with it.



And then I received a bacon inspired board game for my birthday. Mr. Bacon looks happy...I want to eat him and his whole family...and then eat the game...and maybe their pet dog...hot dog...mmm corn dog...


In the immortal words of King Curtis


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Thursday is FREE ass Shipping Day!!!

For any of you who have yet to get all their Christmas shopping done, over 700 online stores are offering FREE bitch ass* shipping on Thursday Dec. 17th (tomrrow!!!) with delivery confirmed by Christmas Eve. If only I had procrastinated a little more I would be fully using these services....

Check out participating retailers Free Shipping Day

Thanks recession, you did it again!

*added for dramatic purposes...by no means are these companies claiming to be bitch asses


Santa's face not covered as I don't want to make it on the NAUGHTY list because he thinks I think he's a cheap ass bitch...mama needs some new socks...I mean camera...I mean trip to anywhere...
Also picture is from the cheap ass archives of my life.

xo,
Purple Monkey Bandit

Amazing Packages in the Mail!

Not only am I receiving all the etsy Christmas gifts I purchased in the mail....but the other day a very special gift came for me...and it was FREE.

Never say you don't win anything on the internet, because just the other day I won an amazing giveaway by an ever talented blogger and Etsy entrepreneur that I have been following for some time. Her products are amazing and I can't wait to show off my new goods....however another certain blogger is receiving the same thing from me for Christmas...so you will just have to be patient until then.

Friday, December 11, 2009

"There's No Gift like the Present and There's No Present like 'Stingray Sam'"


Stingray Sam, an episodic musical space western, I has the pleasure of working on is offering the first two episodes for download for FREE on their website. Take that Hulu! The director, Cory McAbee, is one of the most creative inspiring people I have had the chance to work with...so watch enjoy and get addicted to Stingray!

Watch the Trailer Below.



I did get my hands on a copy the other day and an very excited to show it to the whole family over christmas time. My dad is probably just going to be confused the whole time, but I can't wait!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

My life is Bananas

Last year I almost quit a job over bananas, $17 worth of bananas to be exact. It was a dumb miscommunication at work that resulted in numerous phone calls on my day off that led to me getting frustrated and pissed off. Being a personal assistant to some rich people can be exhausting....rich people are rich cause they count every dollar, and that includes an order for bananas (also the last time I did a favor for their cook). After all the phone calls, worrying, looking for lost grocery lists, telling them to take the $17 out of my pay check (which they didn't, as it would have been the final straw that made me quit) they ended up laughing and making jokes about the whole situation two days later when I came back to work. Annoying Bananas!


On my most recent trip to Trader Joes, I did my usual rounds picking out some of my favorites (bananas included) while at the same time being cautious not to buy too much...as holiday shopping has put a slight dent in my wallet. Satisfied with my choices, I stand in the always too long line and wait patiently for my cashier. As I'm being rung up, the check out girl is chatting away with me, the way only Trader Joes cashiers are paid to be (note: that cute cashier guy is not flirting with you, he's just paid to seem like he's flirting with you), the total appears...Holy crap, I spent that much! I walk away with my purchases, a little pissed and annoyed I spent so much money on my groceries.

On closer inspection of my receipt when I get home, I notice a huge charge....my order was not rung up as 5 but instead 56 BANANAS!!! Of course I head back over there a bit later and cut the line to get my $20 back, and sarcastically laugh as the cashier tries to tell me I can go grab 51 more bananas if I want. Why are bananas trying to suck my dry?

I love you bananas, stop being so cruel! Thank You.

Monday, December 7, 2009

My Super Duper Ginormous Love for ETSY.com

Its safe to say the I am addicted to ETSY.com and if you are getting a gift from me this holiday season, it came from Etsy.

Eeeeetsssyyy eeeetsy eeetsy etsy...yeah I talk about etsy alot (even more than I talk about my newest addiction to Crunch...and you can ask my roommates, I talk about Crunch a lot! Hey Carl, love you in Retro-robics!) Ok, now that that is out my my system...

Etsy has such an awesome search engine and gift guide and price ranges, and its all about supporting the little guys out there, just trying to make it one craft at a time. My biggest problem with shopping on etsy is I want everything for myself...eep no good...but hey it is my birthday month, so I did buy myself a little something something...

Some awesome gift ideas I came across in my search:









I found a lot of other really awesome things too...but I can't show them on here now, otherwise a few of my readers might not be too surprised when they get their gifts...

Small Steps to De-Hoarding & Making $$$

Ok, so maybe $$$ is a little too much, as I didn't really rake in the money with this one...but I highly suggest this for anyone with old CDs lying around the house.

BuyBackMedia.com will buy your old CDs, DVDs and Games for cash money! The catch is that you have to have the cases for all of them and they have to be in pristine condition...they charge you to ship CDs they don't want or are not in good quality back to you, or they will just simply throw them away if you request that as well.

Not knowing if this was real or a scam, I chose to send about 13 or so CDs to them (free shipping when sending at least 12 at a time). I also opted to have them throw away any bad condition CDs. I sent them off and then not more than 2 weeks later a check for $25!! Not a lot of money but super awesome for a pile of CDs just collecting dust in my room.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Scam the Man

While home for the holidays, I went out shopping with my mom (the original cheap ass bitch, love you!) and went into Bare Escentuals. I love this make-up! As my mom is buying some stuff, the lady at the store starts sampling new blush colors for me, I fell in love with the color Tulip (scary color in person, but very light and fresh on the face...I sound like the sales lady...). But as its the holiday season (meaning very low on my priority list of what to spend money on), I opt out of buying the blush...but she gives me a free sample...however sample is not the word, more like a 2 month supply of the stuff! Hello sales lady, I'll see you in 2 months for another free sample!



Also for those not as cheap as me, but still cheap can go to BareEsentuals.com and enter code FRIENDS to get 20% off from Dec 3rd-6th

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Thanksgiving cheap ass bitches! I hope you bought a turkey with a coupon and two for one pie crusts, the cheap ass way. I bought all my ingredients for my side dish at Costco, of course I now am making potato gratin for an army, but thats beside the point.

We had a giant family bowling game last night. I lost. But I didn't come in last...The Mission Madre beat us all at 8 months pregnant! Now I know I will never beat that girl at bowling, I think the belly works as a counter weight to send the ball rolling faster down the lanes...thanks physics!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Freddie Mercury Who?

So far from cheap ass, but one of the most perfect combinations of things I love....next time I'm going to eat chocolate ice cream while watching this...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Use on Everything!

Shampoo, conditioner, face wash, body soap...I feel like my trips and expenses at Duane Reade are endless...but I have figured out the new alternative to expensive shower products...

At a recent visit to the hospital, my friend was given a bar of soap with a wrapper exclaiming, "Use for Everything", now that is cheap ass!




Friday, November 20, 2009

Dr. Horrible, Captain Hammer & Dead Penny Costumes! Oh what a Halloween....a month ago...

My roommates and I went all out for Halloween this year...of course putting much attention to the details....I love the details!

For those who LOVE "Dr Horrible's Sing-ALong Blog" you might enjoy these pictures, and for those of you who have no idea what it is...go to Hulu and watch immediately.


Dead Penny, Captain Hammer, Dr. Horrible


Red Wig ($11 online), Sweater (own), Dress ($12 on Ebay), Blood ($3), Shrapnel (Homemade)


More details of the shrapnel

I painted and put tinfoil on cardboard and then hooked it to black fabric I used as Penny's belt...black fabric was cut from my free and horrible work t-shirt.

Sadly only a few people recognized us that night, but all in all I was so happy with our group costumes and we definately did it the cheap ass bitch way!

Bad Blogger!

Sorry to my one devoted reader and those who accidentally find themselves reading this blog, I've been a bad bad blogger. Well here I go again.....

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Living like the Settlers

I know, I know I'm a lucky ass bitch to live in NYC and have a washer dryer combo in my unit...well the past few weeks have felt a little like tenement living when the dryer broke. Since I'm cheap (bye fluff n' fold) and I'm lazy (hell no laundry mat), the clothes lines have come out!

The lines fill my already small and overly hoarded bedroom. At first I was kinda pissed cause I don't like the way my clothes feel being air dried, but now I actually kinda like to see my clothes all lined up in a neat long row. It makes me think of my clothes in a parade marching, plus its fun making your boy roommates have to look at your underwear every time they enter.


my artsy tenement pic

Monday, October 12, 2009

20x200 Print Giveaway!

For those who don't know 20x200, its an amazing website that sells prints for really cheap. Their concept is to provide limited edition prints in series of 200 for $20 each or a series of 20 prints for $200. They release two new ones every week, I've bought some cheap ass art from them in the past. It's a great way to fill up those walls and make a nice little investment for cheap-o.

Well 20x200 and Thrillist are giving you the chance to enter a giveaway for a free print. You have to enter some private information...but I have been a member of Thrillist for awhile and have never received spam from them, so I think its safe. It's also not clear if everyone who enters gets a print or just a selected bunch...I'll just have to wait and see.

Enter the giveaway here!


photo by Carlo Van de Roer for sale on 20x200

Friday, October 9, 2009

Cheap Laughs and Things that Make You Go Awwws

I saw this the other night on TV and I almost died laughing out of amazingness/cuteness. I kept rewinding and rewinding it over and over, my roommates got annoyed, I don't think they saw the pure cinematic genius behind it. Kubrick who?

Its all about the PIGS!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Cheap Ass Halloween!

I love dressing up crazy, I would dress up crazy all the time, but most mornings I get lazy and stick to some of my usuals....But Halloween, getting to dress however the hell I want and take over that persona for the night, amazing. I can't wait till the day when I can spend a shit load on my costume, but unfortunately I work on a small budget every year, so its all about being crafty.

Some ideas I have been collecting over the past year: Peggy Bundy, Sookie (True Blood), a Chola!, Bob Ross (though I have found myself in dragish costumes the past few years)...

Last year my roommate and I were characters from Waiting for Guffman, for those who don't know the film, go watch it! And for those who love the glory that is Christopher Guest, we were Blaine Stool facotry workers, with stools and all. We memorized the song and made a little dance. For those that recognized us, it was the best feeling.


It was a fairly easy costume to make and not a lot of money. Bought cheap jump suites, stenciled letters on the back and bought super cheap stools, however those didn't last very long that night.

The year before I went really cheap, inspired by my white and red striped shirt, and was none other than Waldo himself. The only thing I had to buy was a red beenie for about $3 and a pair of round hairy potter like glasses for about $5. The rest of the costume came from things found around the house.

An important part of a DYI cheap Halloween costume is attention to detail. I saw lots of Waldos that night, but everyone even atmitted that they were the imposter Waldo found on the last page of the book compared to me, my backpack and all the other shit I had to carry. Can you find Woof?

Unfortunatly due to my job there were a few years where I didn't get to celebrate Halloween or I completely half assed it. But quite a few years back I was Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction.


Damn I love Halloween, when else do you get to walk around NYC with a syringe coming out of your chest?

This year though I'm very excited, I think its going to be pretty awesome and both of my roommates are involved as well. I will get to be all bloody and be a red head! Fun times!

Anyone have any good Halloween costume ideas or making their own cheap DYI?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Stenciling Away My Madness (and creating more along the way....)

I have been an avid decoupager for awhile now, and as much as I love that damn crafting, I decided to branch out to something new...Stenciling!

I started by taking my favorite picture of my most favorite man...oh Chuck Close (hearts all over his face right now)...in retrospect, I maybe should have started with an easier picture for the first time around...


and from there I brought the picture into photoshop and made it into a stencil...I found a really good "how to" here. You can also find already made stencils online, but why half ass crafting...am I right ladies?!

Next I printed out the picture and taped it to a hard card stock and started cutting into it with an exacto knife. So I wont lie, this part took FOREVER, grueling, back aching foreverness...but at least I was looking into Chuck's beady spirally eyes...

But once I was done the positive and negative looked awesome, so awesome I almost didn't want to get them all painty

But of course I painted it, cause ya know, you have to commit or quit...and if I was going to quit I would have like 2 hours before. I also did mutiple layers of colors...

and here is my stencil in all its glory...more colors to come, fabric paint for a t-shirt and a possibility to play around with the positive image.

So I have now decided I am going to challenge myself to a new crafting task every other week...I have to be realisitc here.

Anyone have a fun craft project I can try?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Fatty Fatty Boomalatty

White Castle has a 2 for 1 coupon good until Oct. 31st, luckily there are none in my neighborhood, otherwise I would become the aforementioned. This coupon still has nothing on my summer favorite 2 for 1s from Jamba Juice and Ben & Jerry's Sundae Monday.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Born Cheap

Last week there was an article in New York Magazine titled Born Cheap about a spendthrift mother and a tightwad father, and how their ideas of money/spending influenced their three children.

Of course I immediately begin to analyze the cheapness of my family, only going into my mothers side, as it's the women in my family who are the spendthrifters/tighwads. My cousin, the Mission Madre, is clearly a spendthrifter, like myself. I have never talked to a woman in my family about shopping without saying "sale rack", "deal", "coupon", "lohmans!" Basically you get the idea, we wont buy it unless we know we are getting a deal and then we must tell all the other women.

My mom is also clearly a spendthrifter as well and loves to know she is getting the best deal. "Look at this dress I got at Macy's $20 down from $250" and it is a cute dress, it was quite the deal. Though my mom is a spendthrifter she came from a family of tightwads and I think used this same mentality on me while I was growing up, quite genius really.


grandpa & grandma

Though I do look at the price of two cans of beans before selecting the cheaper one, I'm real glad there are no hardcore tightwads in my family, just a bunch of cheap ass bitches who know how to go to town on a sale rack. I learned from the best, love you ladies!

So are you a tightwad? spendthrifter? cheap ass bitch?

Monday, September 14, 2009

An Ol' Fashion Complaint Letter

I worked in customer service for awhile and learned the power of an old fashion handwritten(emailed) complaint letter. People will scream in your face about how they believe they have been wronged, but rarely do they take the time to write out a calm complaint letter. But the women in my family, we sure do. I will save the many stories of countless emails my cousin, http://missionmadre.blogspot.com/, has sent out for another time, because together we are the original cheap ass bitches.

After one particularly hairy plane flight I wrote the following email:

"I am very disappointed in AA during my flight yesterday! There was no entertainment system available as it went out of service during the cross country flight. To me this is unacceptable as it really is a huge portion of making the flight more comfortable for me and others. If the video player is not serviced, what does this mean for the service on the plane itself? I might let this slide, however it is my THIRD AA flight this YEAR that has not had a working entertainment system. First time I had to hold my ear phones in the jack the whole flight to make the sound work. Second time, the volume would not turn from the highest level, and to compensate I wrapped my earphones in my pillow, I'm crafty and NEED entertainment! This time there was no option like that, it was just NO ENTERTAINMENT! Believe me I would switch airlines in one second if it wasn't for all the frequent flier miles I use. I understand you are an older airline and cant service your planes to offer the entertainment that Virgin America and Jet Blue have, so the least you could do is make sure your system and head phone jacks work on your plane.

Again I am VERY disappointed with the service I have experienced. I would like to hear from you as to how you feel you can better this situation and take the bad taste out of my mouth from AA. I would like to continue to use AA, but right now I would rather pay another airline to at least know I am getting average service."

Within one day I received a very polite email response that not only apologized (a sorry goes a long way missy!) but included an eVoucher worth $200! There you have it, write a complaint letter....but not to me cause I'm not giving you shit.

Hoarders & (me)?

I recently came across a new show on A&E called Hoarders. The definition of a hoarder, "someone with a supply or accumulation that is hidden or carefully guarded for preservation, future use, etc" or someone with a lot of shit that they wont throw away or they will freak out.



Watching one episode has made me begin to think I might be in the early stages of hoarding...believe me I'm not there yet, but when I'm 70....What do you think, are there stages of hoarding or is it all or nothing?


one of several hoarded drawers in my room

Instead of wrapping my brain around the idea I might (one day) be a hoarder, I am convincing myself that it's due to living in a small bedroom and being a cheap ass bitch who doesn't throw anything away (or else terrible things might happen)....

Sunday, September 13, 2009

My not-so-(FREE) Haircut

A few years back I worked at a restaurant in the West Village, all sorts of characters came in. One night this very drunk and boisterously gay older gentlemen tells me my hair looks like shit and I acknowledge that he is correct and as he drinks more and as I have to walk him to a cab, he informs me he is one of the top stylist in the city and he wants to cut my hair, for free tomorrow at his HOUSE! Appeasing a drunkard I take him number and go back to work.

The next morning I'm curious and need a haircut, I'll try anything once. He tells me to head over to his house. Safety first, I call the salon he works at to make sure he's legit, give the address to my roommates so they know what to tell the police if I never return, and head out the door.

The second I walk into that place I am overwhelmed by the smell (dog pee) and the amount of framed photos of this man with Elizabeth Taylor, Dame Judi Dench, Bebe Neuworth...turns out this man was the Belle of the Gay ball for years, Mrs. Drag Queen 1965-75, Mrs. Stonewall himself, now the fallen and loneliest man in the city. All his best friends died, abandoned or cheated on him and left him with nothing but sour memories and lots of dog piss.

After a quick tour of the small over crowded apartment he takes me to the back room, sits me in a chair in front of a painting of Abe Lincoln getting a lap dance from Marilyn Monroe and before anything is said, he starts chopping. Can't do anything now but wait for the outcome. He suddenly starts folding foil into my hair, "You can tell everyone your hair got sunkissed in the Hamptons, just say, "Silly me, I forgot my hat when I went boating this past weekend." He pulls his hand up to his face in a bashful giggle, I nod, I think he might be crazy.

The foil sitting in my hair, the dye setting, he looks at me and smiles. He pulls me to a giant closet and flings the doors open, at first I think I'm looking at the remains of hundreds of dead muppets, but as my eyes adjust to the sparkling lights shimmering off the glitter, I realize it's 20 years of drag staring me in the face. "I haven't been able to wear these in years, what size are you?" Before I know it this man has me in glittering feathered drag queen hell, modeling his dresses so he can reminisce every moment in his past life. Ding, my hair is done, thank god!

After a quick blow dry my hair is AMAZING! Hands down one of the best haircuts and colors I have ever gotten, thank god, cause it really could have gone both ways. Before I can finish looking in the mirror he has whisked me away to the living room sat me on the couch and begun to sing me opera. 45 minuets later he is still singing me opera and I am still giving him standing ovations and bravos, this is painful, really really painful. A little while later he looks at his watch and realizes how late it has gotten, "Look at the Time!" No shit, I've been looking for the last hour I am thinking, but instead I give him a kiss on both cheeks and swiftly exit the house.

I'm smiling at all the craziness that just happened to me, and the beautiful haircut I just received and though I might not have paid money to that man, I surely paid for that haircut.

crazy man's haircut from a few years back

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Haircuts for the Cheap Ass

I love haircuts, putting all my trust into some stranger's hands. I recently told my friend Gardner (who is in hair school) that I had never received a bad haircut, he responded with, "That means you have, you're just not that picky." Thats the key to being a cheap ass bitch, you can't be too picky.

The bottom line, we all need haircuts and they can be expensive...if you don't know how to get them for free that is.... the cheap ass answer, Hair School!

Some good options:

Bumble & Bumble on 13th street, the one you see advertised in Time Out. Unfortunately you have to wait weeks/months to get an appointment there, and the people who are cutting hair are in a one week Bumble crash course, not the best haircut and AWKWARD conversations.

Bumble & Bumble up on 57th. These stylist constantly post on Craigslist, look under free and look up haircut and someone from that school will be looking for a model. These are full time Bumble students working their way to a place on the floor of the salon. Must be noted that they usually want a specific haircut, so you can't be picky!

Arojo Studios, yeah that guy from What Not to Wear, well I came across this hair cut sitting in a park one day. A stylist asked to cut my hair and $20 later I had a very professional new look. This one isn't free but for $20 haircuts and $30 coloring the price is still cheap.

There are many other hair school options and depending on what city you are in the selection varies. But check out you local Craigslist and don't be nervous to try something new!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

What I Am(Not)

I am a cheap ass bitch....and I mean that in the most sincere and charming way. If being a cheap ass bitch or a thrifty motha fucka or any other comparable term may offend you, then turn away now, as I am all of the above with the mouth of a sailor, thanks Dad, and a sarcastic bite, and yes, I have a keen knack to save, and not like Jesus.

I don't have more than a few hundred dollars in my bank account at any given time, and have never had "savings" as I think my married friends call it. I don't believe one should be frugal, cause no one makes friends by throwing in less than required in a dinner bill, but you better believe, if I have a 2 for 1 coupon to Jamba, I will be going everyday two times a day to get my Jamba's worth (this is a true story). This is me, the cheap ass bitch...not to be confused with the coupon mom....I know how to cut the corners, pinch your dollar and know if I'm not getting free shipping or at least 10% off my online order, I'm not looking hard enough for the deal.

The other day Simpsons Season 12 came out on DVD, so immediately I'm online trying to figure out the quickest cheapest way I can have it in my possession, neatly and colorfully displayed next to the others on my shelf. Amazon is always the place to start, and usually the cheapest, and with super saver shipping you really can't go wrong, $31.00 +tax and free shipping....I decide to look at Best Buy too, always got to compare the prices, don't just settle, and looky there, $28 +tax and I know I can pick it up during my lunch break at work the next day and be watching by bed time. The next day at Best Buy the DVD is labeled as $39, maybe some other fool would go for this, but I'm a bitch (again this is like beeetch and not like super bitch girl from high school who everyone hated) and go right up to the sales rep and ask him about the price, he scans it and again $39....Now I'm always nice to the customer service people (if you ever worked customer service I think you know why) and inform him that the DVD is on sale online for $28 and he looks it up online and sure enough he sells me my DVD for that price. Some jerk might not know better, but a cheap ass bitch always knows to get the deal.

I am here to make all you into the best cheap ass bitch no money can buy, one coupon/ online code/ thrift store/ sale rack at a time. WELCOME BITCHES!

xo